Until Bananas Turn To Ink

A wedding should be a celebration that fits the people getting married and you really helped us achieve that. It has been a joy working with you. Â - Deanna and Guy

Guy and Deanna came all the way from St. Louis to get married at a rented farmhouse in beautiful Craftsbury, Vermont.  They had about 10 friends and family there with them, and we did the ceremony out underneath a couple of old apple trees called “The Married Couple” by the owners of the farmhouse.

At the end of the ceremony, Deanna and Guy handed out little books called Until Bananas Turn To Ink.  It’s a love poem written by William M. Perry for his wife and runs along the lines of:

Until bananas turn to ink
I’ll keep you in my heart.
Till helium begins to sink
I’ll hope we never part.
Until pillows grow on trees
And the ocean turns to glue
And polar bears raise honeybees
I always will love you.

It’s very sweet and whimsical, and the entire assembled gang read it out loud, each person taking a line.  It was a terrific moment of easy group participation, and highly recommended for anyone looking to get their wedding guests more involved in the ceremony.

Rock Star Princess

"You helped make our wedding amazing! thank you for your professionalism and great attitude. your vows were perfect! Oh, and thank you for calling me a rock star princess- my friends thought I planned that!" - Tamsn

I hadn’t met Tamsn and Renny in person before the wedding, but once I got to the ceremony site at beautiful Button Bay State Park, and found Renny setting up the ceremony site himself, I immediately liked him.

Tamsn I met when she came down the isle – by herself – looking like she’d just won an Oscar, but was trying to play it cool.  She had on this strapless, bell-shaped fairy dress and long rhinestone earrings with stars on the ends.  Totally endearing and scrumptious!

So when I got to the part of the vows where I ask each partner if they’re ready to marry the other, I referred to Tamsn as a “rock star princess.”

Apparently it went over pretty well.

What Lies Beneath


We just wanted to say a huge thank you! The wedding was beautiful and we couldn’t have asked for more. We got many compliments about you from friends and family. We feel so lucky to have found you and know you were the perfect match for us. Our day was perfect beginning to end, so thank you for the role that you played in making that possible!!!!

Stephanie and Elizabeth were friends for ages before discovering that something was happening between them, and lo and behold they were falling in love!

They had a beautiful rooftop ceremony at the Sunset Ballroom in Shelburne complete with a handfasting…

As well as speaking vows they wrote themselves…

And exchanging roses as the beginning of a relationship ritual which they hope will last a lifetime…

But what I didn’t know until I saw the photo gallery from the ceremony was that lurking underneath all the hair and makeup and beautiful dresses and flowers and shining smiles was some seriously rompy sassiness!

These gals are amazing together, and I wish them all love and happiness and years and years of stripey socks!

Adventures in Literalism

Debbie and Steve - They look like a cute matched set, don't they?

I got a call this morning from Jackie, who’s the business manager for my chiropractor.  She said her best friend Debbie was ready to get married and wanted to do it now.  Today. Immediately.

I said that I was going to be home until 4:30, and that if Debbie could get herself and her guy (whose named turned out to be Steve) to my house by 4, I’d be happy to marry them.

I had no idea if they were going to go through with it, but right around 2, a car came up the driveway and out stepped Jackie, Steve, Debbie, and Debbie’s daughter Brittany.

It was a pretty straightforward ceremony, right up until the part with the rings.  I think Steve must have been a little nervous because when I said, “Steve, please offer Debbie your ring,” he just handed it to her.  Like you’d give someone your car keys.

So much for fancy, ceremonial language.  I had to say, “No.  Put it on her finger.”

Fortunately the rest of the wedding passed without incident, Steve and Debbie made it to the kissing part at the end, and Brittany absconded with the fancy floral file folder I’d given them to hold the ceremony text (I always give the couple a nice printout to keep).

It was the first time anyone had ever done that, but not so different from when I start feeding people their vows line by line, and they (it’s usually the groom) repeat them looking at me instead of their Affianced Love.  I always have to say, “No.  Look at HER.”

Funny – that one has happened so many times you might think I’m married to a whole bunch of guys!

Cappuccino, Cornflakes…and a Ceremony!

Chris and Anders

Chris decided he wanted to surprise Anders over their spring break – by getting married!  They’ve been together 10 years, and a ceremony was definitely on their to-do list, but it kept getting shuffled to the bottom of the pile behind things like, say: Graduate from medical school.

So Chris and I hatched a plan where I’d show up just after breakfast – though fortunately, by the time I got there, the secret was out.

Apparently, the morning’s conversation had gone something along the lines of:

Anders: So what are we going to do today honey?

Chris: I thought we’d get married.

Anders: Oh, ok.

I’m just glad I didn’t have to worry about whether or not Anders actually likes surprises.

Sorry to Wed and Run…

I was at rehearsal the other day for my latest gig, Sylvia, in which I play a dog.  But that’s beside the point.

On a break around 5pm, I checked my email, and had a message from a woman named Maia, saying that she and her girlfriend Michelle were on their way up to Vermont from South Carolina, and wanted/needed to get married right away, and could I help them.

I wrote her back and said that I was in rehearsal, but my next 10 minute break was at 7, and if they could come to the theater, I’d marry them right then and there.

Which is what they did.  The lighting designer made the lights look all pretty, and the cast and crew gathered around, and since we had so little time, they didn’t seem to want anything fancy, and I was hardly prepared anyway, the ceremony went as follows:

Kathryn: So you gals want to get married?

Maia and Michelle: Yes!

Kathryn: Right here?  In front of everyone?

Maia and Michelle: Yes!

Kathryn: Ok!  You’re married!  Have a great big kiss!

They kissed and handed me the license and went off to get some dinner, and we all went back to rehearsal.  It happened so fast, I never even got a picture.  But rest assured they were adorable!

Photo by Vasily Koloda on Unsplash

Secret Haiku Wedding!

Jenny and Joshua Doe (names changed to protect them from their parents) came to me needing to get married Right Now.  They already have a big wedding planned somewhere warm and tropical, but the financial pressures of their lives demanded Immediate Marital Legitimacy For Insurance Purposes.

I could have signed the license without saying anything.  But I couldn’t marry them without any special flavor whatsoever.

So I wrote them a Haiku Ceremony.

Wedding Haiku

All you need is love.

Jenny?  Joshua?  We do!

You’re married!  Now kiss.

Seventeen syllables and they’re set for life!

Blah Blah Vow Vow Vow

Thanks again for a beautiful ceremony. We have never been happier.

Paula and DC have been together for 16 years, and were beyond excited to finally get married.

They also have an extraordinary sense of humor and portions of their vows went as follows:

Paula: I promise before I hastily question you, I will remember you are always right.

DC: I promise during difficult times to stand with you, even when all you hear me say is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

A beautiful example of Love As Grounded In Reality.

Love Art Lab

Performance artist and sex guru Annie Sprinkle has taken loving the planet to a whole new level with her series of Green Weddings.  In each one, rambunctious, passionate participants marry a different aspect of the planet, such as redwood trees in California or the sea in Venice, Italy.

Talk about taking love of the planet to a whole new level!  Brava to Annie and her merry band of Sprinkleistas.

Now that I know what Annie has been up to, I’m feeling like the planet stands a much better chance – as do we.


We loved our ceremony and we love you!!! We were so right to choose you for this special event!!

Now in this photo, it might look like I have the pleasure of being sandwiched between two very hot guys.  But actually, I’m sandwiched between one hot guy who just happens to be split into two people.

Meet Mikey and Kian, who were considerate enough to come to Vermont to get married in my living room.

Apparently, they have such an enormous number of coincidental traits (birth time, Western and Chinese astrological signs, numerological numbers, preference for an obscure brand of silky Lithuanian underwear) that they’ve come to the conclusion that they’re basically the same person.

What they didn’t realize was that actually, Mikey and I are pretty much the same person.  And yes, I know, he’s a big, hunky, gay, bald guy.  So that’s a little distracting.  But don’t get sidetracked by the details.

When it came time for their ceremony, Mikey whipped out his iPad and started playing the song If by David Gates and Bread.  You know: If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you…

It stopped me in my tracks the way a very large object dropped on your head from a very great height would also prevent any further forward perambulation. It also hit me with a serious heart-throbby flashback.

When I was in junior high, I LOVED this song with a devoted passion only found in terminally romantic 13 year-old girls.  Not only that, but it was one of the few pieces (apart from Für Elise and Chopsticks) that I learned to play on the piano.  As you might imagine, I played it A LOT.  And, like a lovelorn lounge singer, always dedicated it to Dave LeDoux – the 6’2″ 9th grader who stole my 4’9″ 7th grade heart.

Years do pass, though, and from the moment I went to high school, both Dave and the song completely vanished from my life and mind.  While much of the music from the 80s has regurgitated itself into popular culture – thanks in part to the adorable presence of Martha Quinn on the Sirius Satellite Network – I’d never heard the plaintive tones of Mr. Gates and his theramin-scented musical confection anywhere.  Ever.  Much less given Dave LeDoux any further mental real estate.

Until Mikey and his iPad walked into my life.

While this might sound strange for someone who makes her living performing weddings, I’m not normally a terribly sentimental person, and certainly not nostalgic.  But in an instant, there I was, back at Cedar Park Junior High.

It’s the night of the Fall Dance, and due to our massive height difference, Dave LeDoux has gotten down on his knees to slow dance with me to If.

It was a heroically romantic (albeit physically painful) gesture, which as you might imagine, set the bar a little high for any other hormonally poisoned adolescent males I happened to encounter at the time.  Not to mention any other hormonally poisoned regular males I’ve encountered since.

I know now that while Dave’s knees recovered pretty quickly, my heart, apparently, never did.

This one’s for you Dave – wherever you are!