Candle In The Wind

“That was an absolutely beautiful wedding and your lovely officientness made it all the better. We decided that we should stay in touch!”

Tabby and Helena (pronounced Hel-EE-nah) (my third instinct after HEL-ena and Hel-LAY-nah) got married at the stunning Park McCollough House, a 35-room Victorian mansion in North Bennington, Vermont.  A bit of a haul for me, but worth it, as it was an exquisitely beautiful fall day, and perfect for some cross-country leaf-peeping.

When I arrived, the gals were getting dressed in separate quarters as various aubergine-clad bridesbabes ran last-minute errands.  I checked in with both of them, saw that all was copaesthetic, and went to head out to the gardens where the ceremony would take place.

Suddenly, I got a shout-out from one of the attending women, who was running towards me with a pillar candle.  “They’re lighting a unity candle!  Can you stick this somewhere?”

I hadn’t known they were lighting a unity candle, there wasn’t a place to put it in the garden (other than the ground), and I didn’t have any prepared candle-lighting text.

However, we here at Vermont Wedding Officiant are nothing if not improvisational.  I ran into the public bathroom at Park McCollough, and found a little white wicker side table stacked with tourist magazines – which quickly ended up on the floor, as the table exunted to the garden with me.

Then I ran out to my car.  It happens that Tabby and Helena’s wedding was the first of three that day, and the third ceremony DID have a candle-lighting as part of the proceedings.  So I grabbed that page, tossed it into the folder the the rest of Tabby and Helena’s ceremony and we were good to go.

tabby and helena

I should add that Helena gets extra props for both bravery and total commitment.  As she was delivering her vows to Tabby, someone from the Assembled Group called out to her that she had a wasp on her back.  Quoth Helena, “I don’t care.”  She was like a totally dedicated postal worker.  Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor scary stinging insect could keep her from her appointed vows.

I have a feeling that Tabby’s in very good hands.

Vampires Are People Too!

Ok, coming out of the closet here. I love me a good campy vampire drama. But I also love social justice and marriage equality.

So imagine my complete delight when in the final episode of True Blood, Season 2, Vampire Bill proposes to Telepathic Sookie by first handing her two plane tickets to Burlington, Vermont!

I don’t think they ever actually said it in the show, but my guess is that this is TB creator Alan Ball’s nod to Vermont’s extremely groovy marriage laws. I mean, where else in that truly bloody universe could a Vampire and a Human get hitched?

After all, in Vermont, you don’t even need a blood test!

I’m killing myself here!

If the Vampires don’t kill me first…

So, as my Aussie pals would say, Goodonya, True Blood!

To Life!

Note to all you about-to-be-marrieds: You DO NOT have to do this at your reception in order to have a good time.  No need to keep up with the Anatevkans here.  But kudos to the whole team who pulled it off.

FYI – if you ARE going to try and replicate this, there’s a hairball hacking “ch” sound in the middle of “L’Chaim.”  Otherwise you sound like a total goy.

Terror Update!

photo by Jennifer Kiewit

For some goofy reason, I thought that once married, nobody would ever return to look at my website.

Which meant I thought I was safe with that last post about forgetting David and Chris’s names.

Turns out I was wrong. I just got this email from them:

Hey Kathryn,

Just read your treehouse terror piece on your website.  That is absolutely HILARIOUS!!!  We never would’ve known.  All smiles. It seems appropriate. We love you!!!!!

Love Chris and David

Whew!

Well, Super-Great Blessings to these two sweethearts for being good-humored and gracious about it all.  And rest assured I will never forget them!

Treehouse Terror!

David and Chris

David and Chris, having been together just five months, got themselves married in a treehouse today.

We were going to do it down by the water at the famous and beloved Oakledge Park, but while the sun was out, the gale force winds blowing off the lake made the idea of a quiet little ceremony almost impossible.

Fortunately, there is a magical octagonal treehouse at one end of the park which was blissfully out of the blustery breeze.

Now, at this point, it’s time for True Confessions.  I am, as all who know me will attest, a wildly creative individual.  And this makes the writing and performing of wedding ceremonies a deeply inventive and joyous experience.

Unfortunately, I also have a mind like a sieve, and cannot remember simple facts to save my life.  In particular, I have, as my yoga students will attest, a rough time remembering names.  I’m good at remembering to ask peoples’ names, I just always forget to remember them.  And even when I think I know them, I often don’t trust myself at first, and will often avoid using someone’s name for fear of embarrassing myself.

In a heterosexual wedding ceremony, this isn’t a problem, because I have the couples’ names written right in front of me, and I can fairly easily figure out who’s Jane and who’s John.  But with a same-sex couple, I have to be very, very conscious about coming up with little mnemonics so that I don’t lose track of identities.

Today, though, I was a little distracted by the wind, and the fact that my friend Jennifer Kiewit, who I hadn’t seen in a while, was taking pictures.  And I completely forgot who was Dave and who was Chris.

But I didn’t realize I forgot until we were already well into the ceremony.  Not an elegant time to stop and re-do the introductions.  On the outside, I was reading a sweet and moving treatise on love.  On the inside, I was thinking, “Crappity crap crap crap!”

Then, I realized I had an escape hatch.  There’s a section in the ceremony where I address each guy directly – as in:

Chris, only you have the power to marry this man – your best friend and partner, who stands beside you.  Do you now wish to have David as your husband, knowing him as you do?

So I figured I could just make it a little more formal.  Looking at the wedding text, so as not to give away the fact that I didn’t know to whom I was speaking, I said:

Chris.  Please step forward.

And he did.  Problem solved.

I’m not proud of this.  Really, I’m not.  And as these charming guys exchanged vows, I vowed to myself not to let this happen again.  But I will say that there are times when having a background in theater and improv can come in very, very handy…

P.S. Chris completely cracked me up before the ceremony when he said, “I never thought I’d get married.  Two guys getting married?  That’s just so gay!”

Oakledge Magic

"Thank you for the most wonderful wedding ceremony. We enjoyed every second."

Valeska and Addis flew up from Florida for a last minute Vermont Elopement.  They told me that they’d known each other for years, but that suddenly, something “happened.”  They both never expected to find themselves this happy, this in love.  They told me they felt that God had brought them together, and made their lives complete.

We had a lovely ceremony over at Oakledge Park, my favorite spot for insta-magic.  There were lots of midsummer picnickers around, but we found a quiet little spot just as the sun was setting, performed the ceremony, and then managed to get this shot without either of them falling backwards into the water.

I left them there for a little post-ceremony snorgling, and stopped off at a picnic shelter to use the restroom before heading home.  There was a family reunion taking place at the shelter, and just as I approached, a little boy, maybe 2 or 3, peeled off from the party, walked up to me, and said, “Do you have to go potty?”

“Yes,” I said.  “I do.”

“It’s here!” he said, and escorted me into the bathroom.  We stopped at the one working stall, which he indicated with a courtly flourish.

After I did my biz, he walked me over to the sink, and though he could barely reeeeaaaaach, he turned on the water so that I could wash my hands.

We walked out of the bathroom, I thanked him profusely, he gave a little bow, and returned to the festivities.

Sometimes the Oakledge Magic is just in the ceremony, but really, it’s all over the place.

This One’s For Fluffy

Last weekend, I went down to beautiful Ohana Family Camp for the lakeside wedding of Elana and Gregg.

If it looks like I’m hiding in Gregg’s shadow so my face doesn’t get burnt off by the sun, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I also cannot take credit for the color coordination of my dress and Gregg’s shirt.  It just happened that way.  We were sartorially cosmic.

So the tricky part of this ceremony was going to be the acknowledgment of Those Who Could Not Be With Us.  Normally, one mentions friends and family who are either Gone or unavailable, and it’s a somewhat somber moment in what are ordinarily happy and joyous proceedings.

However, in this case, as they were giving me the list of names, the last one they mentioned was “Fluffy.”

I said, “Was Fluffy a dog or a cat?”  And the response came, “Guinea Pig.”

Now, of course, I know that all pets are important, and that emotional attachments make no distinction between species.  After all, let us not forget Owen, the orphaned baby Hippo and his pal the centenarian tortoise:

However, from the standpoint of sheer comedic value, a sentence which reads, “Elana and Gregg would like to take a moment to acknowledge Ira, Charlotte, Joan, Grampa Donald, Dad Donald, and their recently departed pet guinea pig Fluffy” is just plain funny.  I’m sorry, but it is.

Still, I figured mentioning Fluffy was for the benefit of Elana’s 5-year old daughter Mia, who was probably still shaken up by the loss, and the line merited some serious professional help in achieving Sober Delivery.

Fortunately, my husband Mark runs a theater company, and has directed actors who are far more difficult to manage than I.  He made me rehearse that line until all giggles had been worked out of my system, and the delivery was both appropriately serious and not played for laughs.

I also decided to imagine that Fluffy had been a victim of the oil spill in the Gulf, and so in my mind, I was shaking my fist to the heavens, and shouting, “Damn you, BP!  This one’s for Fluffy!”

In the end, there were, admittedly, a few chuckles from the assembled, (because, I mean, come on!), but the ceremony did not grind to a halt, and we were able to get Elana and Gregg all hitched up without a hitch in the proceedings.

I found out after the ceremony that the mention of Fluffy was not for the benefit of Mia after all.  No, it was for Gregg, who was really shaken up by the loss.

This automatically and irrevocably wins Gregg the Sweetest Guy On The Planet Award.  Elana and Mia are lucky to have him.


Wedinator Wedinates!

While I am hardly one to mock the hand that feeds me, I must admit a rather deep fondness for Wedinator – the witty website of wild wedding wackiness.

Entries run from the absurd, gross, and poorly spelled:

What happens when the hair on his back grows back?

to the techno-courante:

I hope the tweeters are aware enough of their surroundings not to fall in the pool.

to the deeply cautionary:

Note to self: Watch out for lurking chickens.

But I think my favorite of late is an invitation which will appeal to a certain beloved segment of my wedding clientele:

Destroy that sanctity gals!  And best of luck to you both.

Bonsaiiiiii!!!!

Alexia and Jessica just moved to Vermont from San Francisco with their son Jake.

Their plan for the wedding was to do it at one of my favorite ceremony spots, Oakledge Park.  Unfortunately, June has been a rather moist month and the weather was most definitely not cooperating with us.

So, I suggested heading downtown to the Firehouse Gallery.  I knew it would be open on a Saturday afternoon, and since they often rent out the space for weddings, I didn’t think they’d mind if the four of us stood in a corner and recited a few vows.

I showed up a few minutes early to check in with their staff, and it turned out that they were about to start setting up for an evening event.  But they said that they had a display of Bonsai trees in an upstairs studio, and that the guy running the display would probably be ok with us doing it there.

There were a bunch of Bonsai lovers checking out the minute-yet-elegant trees, including my friends Ken and Sue Wade.  But the Bonsai Guy (whose name I sadly forget) was totally amenable to an impromptu ceremony.

So I brought Jess, Alex, and Jake upstairs, we took over a little corner, and while Sue snapped pix, we got these gals all hitched up.

Hopefully their marriage will be as beautiful and long-lasting as a Bonsai, just not quite so teeny!

More Bug Life

Jerry and Ken_2

Jerry and Ken had their wedding up at the beautiful Black Bear Inn in Bolton this afternoon.

Around 4pm, about 10 of their family and friends gathered in the woods next to an altar and waited for the guys to cross the little wooden bridge to the clearing.

Just as they came to stand in front of me, and I took a deep breath to begin the ceremony, one of the guys in the wedding party stepped up and, seemingly, put his hand on my chest in a rather…intimate way.

Turns out he was just clearing away a big bug, but I told the assembled that I’d never been hit on at the altar before.

It was probably a good thing he intervened.  You can see that this was a rather form fitting dress and if a big bug had crawled down there…well…all I can say is that Ken and Jerry didn’t pay for a naked, thrashing Officiant.  Hardly spiritual or religious.  Unless maybe I was a Pentecostal.